Danger! Newly weds up ahead!

People who have newlyweds in the family have to be very careful what they discuss with them. Even the people who have a lot of experience in marriage and mean well could give shoddy advice. The challenge is for all of us who relate closely with married couples to be careful.

The differences between a newly wedded man and woman are often made bare some months after marriage. At this point all the pretensions and acting is put at bay and both persons often become bare knuckled in their disposition towards each other.  This is not to say they begin to fight, it is just that they both feel that they have crossed the Rubicon of trying to impress one another and probably have to get down to the basics of living together, loving one another and trying to meet each others‘needs. At this juncture, newlyweds are best left alone.  There should be no encroachment on their marital because they are really trying to find their baring psychologically and physiologically. To the uninitiated it looks simple, almost trivial after all; all they have to do is live with each other. But when we examine the basics up, close and personal, we begin to see a wide range of differences in habits that could make or break a relationship from the outset. The first two months are usually the toughest and most crucial. The members of the union are getting to know each other and a whole new plane of existence is being established. This plane is often akin to establishing a rhythm of life that would enable them confront trials and troubles head on and build a wall of protection around those things they should, but do not always  value most: trust, sanctity of their vows, the decision making processes, the place of in-laws and time out together.
We will find that a lot of the focus is on psychological themes, this is because they both have to give thought to how to relate with each other without stirring up unnecessary conflict. The process is often internalized and carried out subconsciously by well meaning couples. It finds its way to the surface in a flurry of actions and decisions.    It is much like the master potter or baker; these work men knead clay or dough and shape it to their hearts desire. The kneading process is a search for impurities and a molding to get the right texture that would prepare the newly shaped and molded ingredients ‘into one aesthetic mass. These actions are supposedly carried out by the couple. What they are doing is preparing for the fire. The fire is the inevitable conflict which is supposed to make their relationship stronger. Their marriage comes out better if they are both involved in the kneading process. Where one member tries to dominate, the fire causes a crack or a rent in the things that hold them together.
The trials are the most defining moments for the longevity of the marriage. Are outsiders: friends, cousins, mother, father, sister or brother, contributory factors to the disagreement? If the friction is as a result of the influence these outsiders have on any member of the married couple, then a caution sign should be flashed. This is why newlyweds are best left alone to work out their conflicts and differences themselves.  As long as such articulation does not escalate to physically violent exchanges, chances are they will manage to reach agreements on their own.
Often times we find a married husband or wife searching for advice on how to deal with a problem they stumbled on in their marriage. It is either he or she did not notice that difficulty while they were still dating or it was seen to be unnecessary and rather premature at the time. What would determine how such difficulties are handled will sometimes be where advice is sought. The stereotypical scenario can sometimes be played out in a man brooding over an alcoholic beverage with his friends or a woman having her hair set or nails done at the beauticians. They both get into discussions with close friends whose advice would either make or mar their relations with their spouse. Sometimes a woman could be found to be crying to mother over a thing or two that hubby did or didn’t do. These are crucial moments and the way members of the union carry themselves in such times could determine what the future will hold for their marriage.
The honeymoon comes in handy here. Husband and wife are supposed to go off alone together, possibly to a place where no family or friends can reach them and get to know each other by spending time together. The honeymoon is supposed to make them leave all work behind. There have been instances when differences emerge during a honeymoon. A pastor and his wife decided to spend their honeymoon at a Christian Camp. On the first day of their holiday together friction emerged. A lot of the luggage that the husband had packed was books. In fact while they were unpacking, he was trying to decide which book to read first and his wife was discussing their room decoration with him and he did not even hear her.  She took one look at this man who was finding it difficult to decide which book to read first and sighed, thinking: “what have I got myself into? Am I going to spend the rest of my life competing with books for the attention of this man? Of course they were able to resolve their differences and the man agreed to a specified time limit for reading every day until the honeymoon was over.
The conflicts that arise in marriage are mostly things that can be resolved by couples themselves. Except when violence sets in and one begins to beat up the other. Domestic violence usually has the woman as the victim. Although in recent years, women have also started playing the spiteful role of the husband beater. Beyond the battering, if quarrels do not escalate beyond the level of talking, and negotiating positions, then things usually work out fine. When two intelligent human beings decide to live together for the rest of their lives, the major point that everyone should note is that they are married and they should learn to take their own decisions with as little intervention as possible. Where there are interventions and they are not carefully thought out before acted upon, there could be trouble, especially in the early years.  People who have newlyweds in the family have to be very careful what they discuss with them. Even the people who have a lot of experience in marriage and mean well could give shoddy advice. The challenge is for all of us who relate closely with married couples to be careful. Especially when they are new: Danger! Newlyweds up ahead.

Understanding a woman

Every woman has a basic desire, something deep down in her heart that she wants to achieve. Often this desire changes with age and time such that if she is married to a man who is not sensitive to her needs, it could be disastrous! Not all these desires are monetary based neither are all of them legitimate. It’s not all diamonds and pearls and the shiny things of this world as some men erroneously think. Sometimes it could be a sense of adventure. Do something crazy and different to break boredom or the routine flow of things.

The desires of a woman are like the wants of a human being on a general economic scale: they are simply insatiable! So a man who is married or engaged to the modern sensitive woman has to bide his emotional antennae, and try to understand what the torrential mood swings of the woman he loves really are. Sometimes, she does not even know herself!

Morning Blues: This is a psychological state that a lot of women suffer from. It is not a disease per se, just a mood. Although its name roots it as occurring early in the day, sometimes it can start any time and last for the length of day; and can often affect everything a woman sees in her path. Generally women have mood swings: anger, frustration, fear and trepidation. This not to say that men do not go through these mood swings. The difference usually is the men are often much better at dispelling these feelings with various distractions. Sometimes what the man would simply do is bottle it up or put a lid on it. Shout it out of their system by fighting with someone or something. A boxing bag at the club often serves this role. Their female counterparts often wear it on their faces like an emblem such that it can be read, the man is familiar with the situation, and like an open book he can read the frustration but is often at loss about what to do. Hold her in his arms and say “its going to be okay!” Tell her that “you can talk to me you know”. Most women would look outside the union to express those feelings. God help the man if she is talking to her unmarried friends.

Jealous Flashes: Often times we have seen a theme in TV advertising where a man’s look sways to another woman, even when he is in the company of his partner. The process occurs in real life. Both sexes do it! But while a man is not too troubled with a woman whose gaze sways to another man, the same is not usually acceptable to a woman. A woman who catches her man looking at another woman can break out in jealous flashes. She could immediately begin to wonder if she is not good enough for him. Could it be that he is attracted by her( the other woman’s) dressing, hairstyle, figure or her mere presence? The man who sees his woman’s gaze sway may not necessarily react in a flash of anger, his usual response is to do something that would reaffirm his “possession” in subtle way of the woman in question. He could, where it is necessary, show the other man with out being too loud that “the girl is mine!” Whereas the lady would not only act it, but would speak or scream it to everybody’s hearing.

Trying to out do the competition: The competitive nature of human beings is expressed more among men than women. That probably accounts for the man’s psychological, almost compulsive love for competitive sporting activity. Most women dislike football(American or European), wrestling, boxing, basketball and other competitive sport. Those who can stomach these sports enjoy them with their men. The women would rather watch a soap opera. It is a grievous error for a woman to try and compete with her husband’s sports. They hold different places in the heart of a man. Of course if he is made to choose he would choose right, but men hate it when they are made to choose in such situations. While the men would often fight, fume and even try to out do one another by spending money or speaking sweetly,  it is a form of competition for the man’s ego and the woman is seen as a prize. Some men would actually lose interest in the prize  on the aftermath of the competition after they have actually won.  A woman likes to know that she is the best for the man, so she would sometimes do strange things for her man to prove it. Some women would work from the kitchen to the bedroom to the fashion and hairstylist, just to get the approval of the man. No woman should let up on these, even after many years of marriage. There is the tendency for a woman, after some years of marriage relationship, to let up on her figure, dress sense, cooking and general appearance. At the moment where a woman seizes to care, the man could start to be distracted. Sometimes until it is very late, he does not know that he has been distracted!

Sex is not always the answer: Many couples erroneously believe that sex is a panacea to most marriage problems. Sexual intercourse practiced by a married couple is an important part of the relationship no doubt. Sex is the ultimate expression of love and communication between the people in the union. But when things go wrong, it is much better to resolve the issues by having lengthy and truthful discussions, rather than jumping into bed and thinking that a bout of passionate intercourse has resolved or solved all problems. Often our women feel neglected when their men have not made an advance for sex over a period of time. Questions begin to run through their minds about their status with their husbands. No sex could lead to stress. The general feeling on the part of the women is that it is the man who wants it most. But recent developments have shown that a lot a women want it even as much as the men do. The only complication is not all of the women like to ask. They would rather prefer for the men to ask. Dignity and tradition often prevents a woman from asking outright, so she uses body language. If the man ignores or misunderstands her, then anger could set in.

Generally the anger of woman is born out of insecurity, a feeling of fear. She is afraid, for instance that she would lose her husband to another woman, that another woman would take her place of prominence with her husband. Fear of her losing ground in any form whatsoever would lead to a bad mood which would show greatly in everyday life. Because of the wide range of emotions that a woman displays questions have often been asked about the possibility of a man understanding a woman.  Once upon a time a man that was close to God and good in his ways had God appear to him and tell him to make any request that it would be granted him. He asked that God should help him build a bridge that would link Hawaii, an island in America with the American main land. God said it was a huge project that why doesn’t the man think of something else? The man then said please God help me to understand my wife! God hesitated and then said: Forget that, when should we start the bridge?

Marital verbal abuse

Lashing out at a partner with abusive words is a common trait among some couples these days. Hurt is expressed and felt via the spoken word and words do hurt. Invectives poured out on someone you supposedly love can be like venom or acid as they leave indelible marks on the psyche of the person concerned. The person who uses abusive language does so for several reasons. First, there is an urgent need to lash out at the so called "adversary" in a bid to be even because of one offense or the other.   Some attackers have hobby horses: a consistent diatribe that they use in their bid to gain points during the heated exchange. They know for sure that a graphic description of that past event or flaw would definitely hit home. Sometimes temper tantrums are thrown to beat a partner into submission. Its much like applying a life-threatening strangle-hold in a wrestling match: the victim has no alternative but to submit or be maimed forever. Bad words are used in this sense as a crutch to keep the victim where his assailant wants him: in a perpetual condition of "Ok have it your way!"
Quite often abusers use words to build a smokescreen that hides the truth and keeps the opponent on the receiving end, thus the upper hand is sought and found while the victim in the situation comes out scathed, knowing what the truth is but still

Who works the hardest?

When a couple has been married for some time and they get used to their routines, there is a tendency for them to play a game of discussing and sometimes arguing about who works most and who is the most tried The scenario play itself out mostly among career people. If you have a husband and wife both working hard to make ends meet they would occasionally fall into the altercation over who is lagging behind, who is not doing what he is supposed to do and of course if this debate is not rested amicably, it could continue and eventually lead to a break up!
You would hear utterances like "she/he does not appreciate what I am doing, "I am tried and he does not do any house work. For younger couples who are just setting out and are career working class people, it is important for them to share responsibilities in terms of finance as well as house chores. We live in a generation that says a woman should do the house work. She has to wake early, sweep, clean, cook and see to the children if there are any. The question is during this time what is the man doing?   If they both have to leave for work and come back towards late afternoon, there should not really be a debate over who works hardest or who is playing the most important role. The truth is they both work hard and if they are performing up to expectation, they both are playing a role that is of utmost importance to the harmonious continuation of the family. A family that has a lopsided situation where only one partner in the union provides everything( these days women are also playing the role of breadwinner) there is bound to be some level of friction. Especially if the breadwinner feels there is something else his money ought to be doing that its not.
Often arguments about saving money, how much should be spent on what and what the main focus of the family should be over a period of time. The fact that these debates are taking place is a good sign. It shows that the people involved are deeply concerned. The verbal exchanges however should be tempered with patience, careful criticism and creative solutions to problems. If screaming, accusations and complaints occur in a tense atmosphere, arriving at a congenial resolution would be difficult, if not impossible. So what is to be done.
First of all, a serious progress meeting should occur between members of a marriage union as often as possible. Plans and projects should be set in focus with commitment from both parties. What are they doing for the year? What should be there priorities? Who can do what conveniently? This takes us back to the issue of household chores. The man can play a role in the house hold. There are manly duties like lifting heavy objects. Rearranging furniture, in some environments its the men that take out the trash. If a woman is alone with her husband in the house and she also holds down a job, nothing stops the man from helping out around the house.

Understanding a woman

Every woman has a basic desire, something deep down in her heart that she wants to achieve. Often this desire changes with age and time such that if she is married to a man who is not sensitive to her needs, it could be disastrous! Not all these desires are monetary based neither are all of them legitimate. It’s not all diamonds and pearls and the shiny things of this world as some men erroneously think. Sometimes it could be a sense of adventure. Do something crazy and different to break boredom or the routine flow of things.

The desires of a woman are like the wants of a human being on a general economic scale: they are simply insatiable! So a man who is married or engaged to the modern sensitive woman has to bide his emotional antennae, and try to understand what the torrential mood swings of the woman he loves really are. Sometimes, she does not even know herself!

Morning Blues: This is a psychological state that a lot of women suffer from. It is not a disease per se, just a mood. Although its name roots it as occurring early in the day, sometimes it can start any time and last for the length of day; and can often affect everything a woman sees in her path. Generally women have mood swings: anger, frustration, fear and trepidation. This not to say that men do not go through these mood swings. The difference usually is the men are often much better at dispelling these feelings with various distractions. Sometimes what the man would simply do is bottle it up or put a lid on it. Shout it out of their system by fighting with someone or something. A boxing bag at the club often serves this role. Their female counterparts often wear it on their faces like an emblem such that it can be read, the man is familiar with the situation, and like an open book he can read the frustration but is often at loss about what to do. Hold her in his arms and say “its going to be okay!” Tell her that “you can talk to me you know”. Most women would look outside the union to express those feelings. God help the man if she is talking to her unmarried friends.

Jealous Flashes: Often times we have seen a theme in TV advertising where a man’s look sways to another woman, even when he is in the company of his partner. The process occurs in real life. Both sexes do it! But while a man is not too troubled with a woman whose gaze sways to another man, the same is not usually acceptable to a woman. A woman who catches her man looking at another woman can break out in jealous flashes. She could immediately begin to wonder if she is not good enough for him. Could it be that he is attracted by her( the other woman’s) dressing, hairstyle, figure or her mere presence? The man who sees his woman’s gaze sway may not necessarily react in a flash of anger, his usual response is to do something that would reaffirm his “possession” in subtle way of the woman in question. He could, where it is necessary, show the other man with out being too loud that “the girl is mine!” Whereas the lady would not only act it, but would speak or scream it to everybody’s hearing.

Trying to out do the competition: The competitive nature of human beings is expressed more among men than women. That probably accounts for the man’s psychological, almost compulsive love for competitive sporting activity. Most women dislike football(American or European), wrestling, boxing, basketball and other competitive sport. Those who can stomach these sports enjoy them with their men. The women would rather watch a soap opera. It is a grievous error for a woman to try and compete with her husband’s sports. They hold different places in the heart of a man. Of course if he is made to choose he would choose right, but men hate it when they are made to choose in such situations. While the men would often fight, fume and even try to out do one another by spending money or speaking sweetly,  it is a form of competition for the man’s ego and the woman is seen as a prize. Some men would actually lose interest in the prize  on the aftermath of the competition after they have actually won.  A woman likes to know that she is the best for the man, so she would sometimes do strange things for her man to prove it. Some women would work from the kitchen to the bedroom to the fashion and hairstylist, just to get the approval of the man. No woman should let up on these, even after many years of marriage. There is the tendency for a woman, after some years of marriage relationship, to let up on her figure, dress sense, cooking and general appearance. At the moment where a woman seizes to care, the man could start to be distracted. Sometimes until it is very late, he does not know that he has been distracted!

Sex is not always the answer: Many couples erroneously believe that sex is a panacea to most marriage problems. Sexual intercourse practiced by a married couple is an important part of the relationship no doubt. Sex is the ultimate expression of love and communication between the people in the union. But when things go wrong, it is much better to resolve the issues by having lengthy and truthful discussions, rather than jumping into bed and thinking that a bout of passionate intercourse has resolved or solved all problems. Often our women feel neglected when their men have not made an advance for sex over a period of time. Questions begin to run through their minds about their status with their husbands. No sex could lead to stress. The general feeling on the part of the women is that it is the man who wants it most. But recent developments have shown that a lot a women want it even as much as the men do. The only complication is not all of the women like to ask. They would rather prefer for the men to ask. Dignity and tradition often prevents a woman from asking outright, so she uses body language. If the man ignores or misunderstands her, then anger could set in.

Generally the anger of woman is born out of insecurity, a feeling of fear. She is afraid, for instance that she would lose her husband to another woman, that another woman would take her place of prominence with her husband. Fear of her losing ground in any form whatsoever would lead to a bad mood which would show greatly in everyday life. Because of the wide range of emotions that a woman displays questions have often been asked about the possibility of a man understanding a woman.  Once upon a time a man that was close to God and good in his ways had God appear to him and tell him to make any request that it would be granted him. He asked that God should help him build a bridge that would link Hawaii, an island in America with the American main land. God said it was a huge project that why doesn’t the man think of something else? The man then said please God help me to understand my wife! God hesitated and then said: Forget that, when should we start the bridge?

A question of compatiability

 “Differences would suggest that there is a question of compatibility. In the true sense of the word, there is nothing like compatibility when two people go into marriage relations. The man and the woman are coming from two different backgrounds so, how on earth can they see things in the same way?”
 Some years back I came a cross a friend of mine who was getting a divorce. He had been married for barely six months and he looked moody as he told me: “We are calling it quits.” His description of the dilemma was very simple as he described his half a year relationship with his spouse as “It’s just not working!” I did not try to convince him not to get out of the union because a third party never truly knows what its like in a marriage that he is not part of. If you ask both members of the marriage about the reasons for splitting, they would tell you completely different versions of the same story. Another thing is they will never tell you the whole truth. In many countries across the world today, “Irreconcilable differences” are sighted as the reason for separation.  Differences would suggest that there is a question of compatibility. In the true sense of the word, there is nothing like compatibility when two people go into marriage relations. The man and the woman are coming from two different backgrounds so, how on earth can they see things in the same way? They don’t; Marriage is a learning process so they learn to agree and disagree over certain issues. And as long as they can love and forgive each other for faults and errors they can live together forever, till death sets them apart. In fact, one very interesting description of marriage is two forgivers living together and loving each other. Nobody said they would not disagree, quarrel or even argue over things. The beauty about a marriage is that these things should be resolved as soon as possible with no delays.

 So what if he likes football and she likes Mexican telly novellas? There is certainly no need for a fight! They can watch them together or have two TVs. It is often what outsiders would call trivialities that lead to quarrels in marriage.

 In previous write ups we observed the three taboos of marriage as sex, in-laws and money. The taboos are not necessarily those three things but how we handle them.  Compatibility is all about handling our differences. Streamlining them is such a way that we are able to get along with our partner. Most women believe that infidelity should be the major cause of separation. To a large extent this could be true on the side of the men. Why should a man look outside his matrimonial home when he has a wife at home?
 There are several reasons why men are unfaithful to their wives or women are unfaithful to their husbands. Often the main reason is as a result of a lack of deep satisfaction on the part of the man or woman. This is not to say that the lack of satisfaction is always sexual. Some times it is psychological. The man or woman becomes a stranger in the home. He or she cannot communicate with the spouse. Often, one of the partners could be alone or lonely in a relationship then all of sudden perhaps one of them comes across a person who begins to fulfill certain desires that should be fulfilled by the person’s spouse. Before you know it, the person is drawn to this other stranger and comparisons begin to take place, then there is a feeling of doubt: did I marry the right person? Did I marry for the right reason? 

 Why do people marry? Is it for security, money, shelter, help or love? Many people marry for the wrong reasons.  First there is a need for love and appreciation. Each member of the union should love the other and appreciate the good qualities they have. Love and appreciation should come first. Other things should follow. A man must work. He should be supportive of his family. But that is not to say he should finance every need in the family. There should be some level of agreement. Who should do what? Of course the man should try hard to do most of the things required in the home. The woman should complement such activity. But there is a new development in society today. A group of women are emerging who earn more money than their men. In the traditional sense of husband-wife relationships this is an anomaly, but modern society that created this phenomenon has ways of addressing it. The fact that the woman earns more money does not mean she should lord it over the man. No matter what the woman’s economic prowess is like, someone has to lead the family; More often than not, that person is the man. 
 The issue of dominance is yet another cause of divorce. If a woman enters a relationship in which her partner is providing all her needs and those of the family and making all decisions then if that partner is domineering, abusive and verbally or even physically violent , the tendency is for the woman to use economic independence as a quest for freedom! So the men have to be careful not to maltreat a woman in any way.</strong>

 But this is not to say that men do not appear on the receiving end of a partner who is domineering, abusive and verbally or physically violent. This unpalatable role is not the exclusive preserve of men. Women are gradually playing that role in many environments. To avoid divorce there has to be agreement and understanding. Moreover there has to be communication.

  Communication is central to the marriage situation. A lot of couples either find it difficult to communicate or communicate wrongly! I have told my wife that once in a year we would review our relationship and have a critical talk about things that have happened that year. I ask her to assess me: How have a fared as a father, husband, provider, leader and lover? She tends to give me marks and asks for my candid opinion of her performance which I give without hesitation. If we can do this regularly without fighting or bitterness there is bound to be a better relationship the next year. Nobody should be in a relationship and be suffering. Neither should anyone be the loser in a marriage. Both members of the union should see the relationship as beneficial.  If the situation remains that way overtime, divorce is out of the question. So is the excuse of incompatibility.