People who have newlyweds in the family have to be very careful what they discuss with them. Even the people who have a lot of experience in marriage and mean well could give shoddy advice. The challenge is for all of us who relate closely with married couples to be careful.
The differences between a newly wedded man and woman are often made bare some months after marriage. At this point all the pretensions and acting is put at bay and both persons often become bare knuckled in their disposition towards each other. This is not to say they begin to fight, it is just that they both feel that they have crossed the Rubicon of trying to impress one another and probably have to get down to the basics of living together, loving one another and trying to meet each others‘needs. At this juncture, newlyweds are best left alone. There should be no encroachment on their marital because they are really trying to find their baring psychologically and physiologically. To the uninitiated it looks simple, almost trivial after all; all they have to do is live with each other. But when we examine the basics up, close and personal, we begin to see a wide range of differences in habits that could make or break a relationship from the outset. The first two months are usually the toughest and most crucial. The members of the union are getting to know each other and a whole new plane of existence is being established. This plane is often akin to establishing a rhythm of life that would enable them confront trials and troubles head on and build a wall of protection around those things they should, but do not always value most: trust, sanctity of their vows, the decision making processes, the place of in-laws and time out together.
We will find that a lot of the focus is on psychological themes, this is because they both have to give thought to how to relate with each other without stirring up unnecessary conflict. The process is often internalized and carried out subconsciously by well meaning couples. It finds its way to the surface in a flurry of actions and decisions. It is much like the master potter or baker; these work men knead clay or dough and shape it to their hearts desire. The kneading process is a search for impurities and a molding to get the right texture that would prepare the newly shaped and molded ingredients ‘into one aesthetic mass. These actions are supposedly carried out by the couple. What they are doing is preparing for the fire. The fire is the inevitable conflict which is supposed to make their relationship stronger. Their marriage comes out better if they are both involved in the kneading process. Where one member tries to dominate, the fire causes a crack or a rent in the things that hold them together.
The trials are the most defining moments for the longevity of the marriage. Are outsiders: friends, cousins, mother, father, sister or brother, contributory factors to the disagreement? If the friction is as a result of the influence these outsiders have on any member of the married couple, then a caution sign should be flashed. This is why newlyweds are best left alone to work out their conflicts and differences themselves. As long as such articulation does not escalate to physically violent exchanges, chances are they will manage to reach agreements on their own.
Often times we find a married husband or wife searching for advice on how to deal with a problem they stumbled on in their marriage. It is either he or she did not notice that difficulty while they were still dating or it was seen to be unnecessary and rather premature at the time. What would determine how such difficulties are handled will sometimes be where advice is sought. The stereotypical scenario can sometimes be played out in a man brooding over an alcoholic beverage with his friends or a woman having her hair set or nails done at the beauticians. They both get into discussions with close friends whose advice would either make or mar their relations with their spouse. Sometimes a woman could be found to be crying to mother over a thing or two that hubby did or didn’t do. These are crucial moments and the way members of the union carry themselves in such times could determine what the future will hold for their marriage.
The honeymoon comes in handy here. Husband and wife are supposed to go off alone together, possibly to a place where no family or friends can reach them and get to know each other by spending time together. The honeymoon is supposed to make them leave all work behind. There have been instances when differences emerge during a honeymoon. A pastor and his wife decided to spend their honeymoon at a Christian Camp. On the first day of their holiday together friction emerged. A lot of the luggage that the husband had packed was books. In fact while they were unpacking, he was trying to decide which book to read first and his wife was discussing their room decoration with him and he did not even hear her. She took one look at this man who was finding it difficult to decide which book to read first and sighed, thinking: “what have I got myself into? Am I going to spend the rest of my life competing with books for the attention of this man? Of course they were able to resolve their differences and the man agreed to a specified time limit for reading every day until the honeymoon was over.
The conflicts that arise in marriage are mostly things that can be resolved by couples themselves. Except when violence sets in and one begins to beat up the other. Domestic violence usually has the woman as the victim. Although in recent years, women have also started playing the spiteful role of the husband beater. Beyond the battering, if quarrels do not escalate beyond the level of talking, and negotiating positions, then things usually work out fine. When two intelligent human beings decide to live together for the rest of their lives, the major point that everyone should note is that they are married and they should learn to take their own decisions with as little intervention as possible. Where there are interventions and they are not carefully thought out before acted upon, there could be trouble, especially in the early years. People who have newlyweds in the family have to be very careful what they discuss with them. Even the people who have a lot of experience in marriage and mean well could give shoddy advice. The challenge is for all of us who relate closely with married couples to be careful. Especially when they are new: Danger! Newlyweds up ahead.
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