Danger! Newly weds up ahead!

People who have newlyweds in the family have to be very careful what they discuss with them. Even the people who have a lot of experience in marriage and mean well could give shoddy advice. The challenge is for all of us who relate closely with married couples to be careful.

The differences between a newly wedded man and woman are often made bare some months after marriage. At this point all the pretensions and acting is put at bay and both persons often become bare knuckled in their disposition towards each other.  This is not to say they begin to fight, it is just that they both feel that they have crossed the Rubicon of trying to impress one another and probably have to get down to the basics of living together, loving one another and trying to meet each others‘needs. At this juncture, newlyweds are best left alone.  There should be no encroachment on their marital because they are really trying to find their baring psychologically and physiologically. To the uninitiated it looks simple, almost trivial after all; all they have to do is live with each other. But when we examine the basics up, close and personal, we begin to see a wide range of differences in habits that could make or break a relationship from the outset. The first two months are usually the toughest and most crucial. The members of the union are getting to know each other and a whole new plane of existence is being established. This plane is often akin to establishing a rhythm of life that would enable them confront trials and troubles head on and build a wall of protection around those things they should, but do not always  value most: trust, sanctity of their vows, the decision making processes, the place of in-laws and time out together.
We will find that a lot of the focus is on psychological themes, this is because they both have to give thought to how to relate with each other without stirring up unnecessary conflict. The process is often internalized and carried out subconsciously by well meaning couples. It finds its way to the surface in a flurry of actions and decisions.    It is much like the master potter or baker; these work men knead clay or dough and shape it to their hearts desire. The kneading process is a search for impurities and a molding to get the right texture that would prepare the newly shaped and molded ingredients ‘into one aesthetic mass. These actions are supposedly carried out by the couple. What they are doing is preparing for the fire. The fire is the inevitable conflict which is supposed to make their relationship stronger. Their marriage comes out better if they are both involved in the kneading process. Where one member tries to dominate, the fire causes a crack or a rent in the things that hold them together.
The trials are the most defining moments for the longevity of the marriage. Are outsiders: friends, cousins, mother, father, sister or brother, contributory factors to the disagreement? If the friction is as a result of the influence these outsiders have on any member of the married couple, then a caution sign should be flashed. This is why newlyweds are best left alone to work out their conflicts and differences themselves.  As long as such articulation does not escalate to physically violent exchanges, chances are they will manage to reach agreements on their own.
Often times we find a married husband or wife searching for advice on how to deal with a problem they stumbled on in their marriage. It is either he or she did not notice that difficulty while they were still dating or it was seen to be unnecessary and rather premature at the time. What would determine how such difficulties are handled will sometimes be where advice is sought. The stereotypical scenario can sometimes be played out in a man brooding over an alcoholic beverage with his friends or a woman having her hair set or nails done at the beauticians. They both get into discussions with close friends whose advice would either make or mar their relations with their spouse. Sometimes a woman could be found to be crying to mother over a thing or two that hubby did or didn’t do. These are crucial moments and the way members of the union carry themselves in such times could determine what the future will hold for their marriage.
The honeymoon comes in handy here. Husband and wife are supposed to go off alone together, possibly to a place where no family or friends can reach them and get to know each other by spending time together. The honeymoon is supposed to make them leave all work behind. There have been instances when differences emerge during a honeymoon. A pastor and his wife decided to spend their honeymoon at a Christian Camp. On the first day of their holiday together friction emerged. A lot of the luggage that the husband had packed was books. In fact while they were unpacking, he was trying to decide which book to read first and his wife was discussing their room decoration with him and he did not even hear her.  She took one look at this man who was finding it difficult to decide which book to read first and sighed, thinking: “what have I got myself into? Am I going to spend the rest of my life competing with books for the attention of this man? Of course they were able to resolve their differences and the man agreed to a specified time limit for reading every day until the honeymoon was over.
The conflicts that arise in marriage are mostly things that can be resolved by couples themselves. Except when violence sets in and one begins to beat up the other. Domestic violence usually has the woman as the victim. Although in recent years, women have also started playing the spiteful role of the husband beater. Beyond the battering, if quarrels do not escalate beyond the level of talking, and negotiating positions, then things usually work out fine. When two intelligent human beings decide to live together for the rest of their lives, the major point that everyone should note is that they are married and they should learn to take their own decisions with as little intervention as possible. Where there are interventions and they are not carefully thought out before acted upon, there could be trouble, especially in the early years.  People who have newlyweds in the family have to be very careful what they discuss with them. Even the people who have a lot of experience in marriage and mean well could give shoddy advice. The challenge is for all of us who relate closely with married couples to be careful. Especially when they are new: Danger! Newlyweds up ahead.

Understanding a woman

Every woman has a basic desire, something deep down in her heart that she wants to achieve. Often this desire changes with age and time such that if she is married to a man who is not sensitive to her needs, it could be disastrous! Not all these desires are monetary based neither are all of them legitimate. It’s not all diamonds and pearls and the shiny things of this world as some men erroneously think. Sometimes it could be a sense of adventure. Do something crazy and different to break boredom or the routine flow of things.

The desires of a woman are like the wants of a human being on a general economic scale: they are simply insatiable! So a man who is married or engaged to the modern sensitive woman has to bide his emotional antennae, and try to understand what the torrential mood swings of the woman he loves really are. Sometimes, she does not even know herself!

Morning Blues: This is a psychological state that a lot of women suffer from. It is not a disease per se, just a mood. Although its name roots it as occurring early in the day, sometimes it can start any time and last for the length of day; and can often affect everything a woman sees in her path. Generally women have mood swings: anger, frustration, fear and trepidation. This not to say that men do not go through these mood swings. The difference usually is the men are often much better at dispelling these feelings with various distractions. Sometimes what the man would simply do is bottle it up or put a lid on it. Shout it out of their system by fighting with someone or something. A boxing bag at the club often serves this role. Their female counterparts often wear it on their faces like an emblem such that it can be read, the man is familiar with the situation, and like an open book he can read the frustration but is often at loss about what to do. Hold her in his arms and say “its going to be okay!” Tell her that “you can talk to me you know”. Most women would look outside the union to express those feelings. God help the man if she is talking to her unmarried friends.

Jealous Flashes: Often times we have seen a theme in TV advertising where a man’s look sways to another woman, even when he is in the company of his partner. The process occurs in real life. Both sexes do it! But while a man is not too troubled with a woman whose gaze sways to another man, the same is not usually acceptable to a woman. A woman who catches her man looking at another woman can break out in jealous flashes. She could immediately begin to wonder if she is not good enough for him. Could it be that he is attracted by her( the other woman’s) dressing, hairstyle, figure or her mere presence? The man who sees his woman’s gaze sway may not necessarily react in a flash of anger, his usual response is to do something that would reaffirm his “possession” in subtle way of the woman in question. He could, where it is necessary, show the other man with out being too loud that “the girl is mine!” Whereas the lady would not only act it, but would speak or scream it to everybody’s hearing.

Trying to out do the competition: The competitive nature of human beings is expressed more among men than women. That probably accounts for the man’s psychological, almost compulsive love for competitive sporting activity. Most women dislike football(American or European), wrestling, boxing, basketball and other competitive sport. Those who can stomach these sports enjoy them with their men. The women would rather watch a soap opera. It is a grievous error for a woman to try and compete with her husband’s sports. They hold different places in the heart of a man. Of course if he is made to choose he would choose right, but men hate it when they are made to choose in such situations. While the men would often fight, fume and even try to out do one another by spending money or speaking sweetly,  it is a form of competition for the man’s ego and the woman is seen as a prize. Some men would actually lose interest in the prize  on the aftermath of the competition after they have actually won.  A woman likes to know that she is the best for the man, so she would sometimes do strange things for her man to prove it. Some women would work from the kitchen to the bedroom to the fashion and hairstylist, just to get the approval of the man. No woman should let up on these, even after many years of marriage. There is the tendency for a woman, after some years of marriage relationship, to let up on her figure, dress sense, cooking and general appearance. At the moment where a woman seizes to care, the man could start to be distracted. Sometimes until it is very late, he does not know that he has been distracted!

Sex is not always the answer: Many couples erroneously believe that sex is a panacea to most marriage problems. Sexual intercourse practiced by a married couple is an important part of the relationship no doubt. Sex is the ultimate expression of love and communication between the people in the union. But when things go wrong, it is much better to resolve the issues by having lengthy and truthful discussions, rather than jumping into bed and thinking that a bout of passionate intercourse has resolved or solved all problems. Often our women feel neglected when their men have not made an advance for sex over a period of time. Questions begin to run through their minds about their status with their husbands. No sex could lead to stress. The general feeling on the part of the women is that it is the man who wants it most. But recent developments have shown that a lot a women want it even as much as the men do. The only complication is not all of the women like to ask. They would rather prefer for the men to ask. Dignity and tradition often prevents a woman from asking outright, so she uses body language. If the man ignores or misunderstands her, then anger could set in.

Generally the anger of woman is born out of insecurity, a feeling of fear. She is afraid, for instance that she would lose her husband to another woman, that another woman would take her place of prominence with her husband. Fear of her losing ground in any form whatsoever would lead to a bad mood which would show greatly in everyday life. Because of the wide range of emotions that a woman displays questions have often been asked about the possibility of a man understanding a woman.  Once upon a time a man that was close to God and good in his ways had God appear to him and tell him to make any request that it would be granted him. He asked that God should help him build a bridge that would link Hawaii, an island in America with the American main land. God said it was a huge project that why doesn’t the man think of something else? The man then said please God help me to understand my wife! God hesitated and then said: Forget that, when should we start the bridge?

Marital verbal abuse

Lashing out at a partner with abusive words is a common trait among some couples these days. Hurt is expressed and felt via the spoken word and words do hurt. Invectives poured out on someone you supposedly love can be like venom or acid as they leave indelible marks on the psyche of the person concerned. The person who uses abusive language does so for several reasons. First, there is an urgent need to lash out at the so called "adversary" in a bid to be even because of one offense or the other.   Some attackers have hobby horses: a consistent diatribe that they use in their bid to gain points during the heated exchange. They know for sure that a graphic description of that past event or flaw would definitely hit home. Sometimes temper tantrums are thrown to beat a partner into submission. Its much like applying a life-threatening strangle-hold in a wrestling match: the victim has no alternative but to submit or be maimed forever. Bad words are used in this sense as a crutch to keep the victim where his assailant wants him: in a perpetual condition of "Ok have it your way!"
Quite often abusers use words to build a smokescreen that hides the truth and keeps the opponent on the receiving end, thus the upper hand is sought and found while the victim in the situation comes out scathed, knowing what the truth is but still

Who works the hardest?

When a couple has been married for some time and they get used to their routines, there is a tendency for them to play a game of discussing and sometimes arguing about who works most and who is the most tried The scenario play itself out mostly among career people. If you have a husband and wife both working hard to make ends meet they would occasionally fall into the altercation over who is lagging behind, who is not doing what he is supposed to do and of course if this debate is not rested amicably, it could continue and eventually lead to a break up!
You would hear utterances like "she/he does not appreciate what I am doing, "I am tried and he does not do any house work. For younger couples who are just setting out and are career working class people, it is important for them to share responsibilities in terms of finance as well as house chores. We live in a generation that says a woman should do the house work. She has to wake early, sweep, clean, cook and see to the children if there are any. The question is during this time what is the man doing?   If they both have to leave for work and come back towards late afternoon, there should not really be a debate over who works hardest or who is playing the most important role. The truth is they both work hard and if they are performing up to expectation, they both are playing a role that is of utmost importance to the harmonious continuation of the family. A family that has a lopsided situation where only one partner in the union provides everything( these days women are also playing the role of breadwinner) there is bound to be some level of friction. Especially if the breadwinner feels there is something else his money ought to be doing that its not.
Often arguments about saving money, how much should be spent on what and what the main focus of the family should be over a period of time. The fact that these debates are taking place is a good sign. It shows that the people involved are deeply concerned. The verbal exchanges however should be tempered with patience, careful criticism and creative solutions to problems. If screaming, accusations and complaints occur in a tense atmosphere, arriving at a congenial resolution would be difficult, if not impossible. So what is to be done.
First of all, a serious progress meeting should occur between members of a marriage union as often as possible. Plans and projects should be set in focus with commitment from both parties. What are they doing for the year? What should be there priorities? Who can do what conveniently? This takes us back to the issue of household chores. The man can play a role in the house hold. There are manly duties like lifting heavy objects. Rearranging furniture, in some environments its the men that take out the trash. If a woman is alone with her husband in the house and she also holds down a job, nothing stops the man from helping out around the house.