“Differences would suggest that there is a question of compatibility. In the true sense of the word, there is nothing like compatibility when two people go into marriage relations. The man and the woman are coming from two different backgrounds so, how on earth can they see things in the same way?”
Some years back I came a cross a friend of mine who was getting a divorce. He had been married for barely six months and he looked moody as he told me: “We are calling it quits.” His description of the dilemma was very simple as he described his half a year relationship with his spouse as “It’s just not working!” I did not try to convince him not to get out of the union because a third party never truly knows what its like in a marriage that he is not part of. If you ask both members of the marriage about the reasons for splitting, they would tell you completely different versions of the same story. Another thing is they will never tell you the whole truth. In many countries across the world today, “Irreconcilable differences” are sighted as the reason for separation. Differences would suggest that there is a question of compatibility. In the true sense of the word, there is nothing like compatibility when two people go into marriage relations. The man and the woman are coming from two different backgrounds so, how on earth can they see things in the same way? They don’t; Marriage is a learning process so they learn to agree and disagree over certain issues. And as long as they can love and forgive each other for faults and errors they can live together forever, till death sets them apart. In fact, one very interesting description of marriage is two forgivers living together and loving each other. Nobody said they would not disagree, quarrel or even argue over things. The beauty about a marriage is that these things should be resolved as soon as possible with no delays.
So what if he likes football and she likes Mexican telly novellas? There is certainly no need for a fight! They can watch them together or have two TVs. It is often what outsiders would call trivialities that lead to quarrels in marriage.
In previous write ups we observed the three taboos of marriage as sex, in-laws and money. The taboos are not necessarily those three things but how we handle them. Compatibility is all about handling our differences. Streamlining them is such a way that we are able to get along with our partner. Most women believe that infidelity should be the major cause of separation. To a large extent this could be true on the side of the men. Why should a man look outside his matrimonial home when he has a wife at home?
There are several reasons why men are unfaithful to their wives or women are unfaithful to their husbands. Often the main reason is as a result of a lack of deep satisfaction on the part of the man or woman. This is not to say that the lack of satisfaction is always sexual. Some times it is psychological. The man or woman becomes a stranger in the home. He or she cannot communicate with the spouse. Often, one of the partners could be alone or lonely in a relationship then all of sudden perhaps one of them comes across a person who begins to fulfill certain desires that should be fulfilled by the person’s spouse. Before you know it, the person is drawn to this other stranger and comparisons begin to take place, then there is a feeling of doubt: did I marry the right person? Did I marry for the right reason?
Why do people marry? Is it for security, money, shelter, help or love? Many people marry for the wrong reasons. First there is a need for love and appreciation. Each member of the union should love the other and appreciate the good qualities they have. Love and appreciation should come first. Other things should follow. A man must work. He should be supportive of his family. But that is not to say he should finance every need in the family. There should be some level of agreement. Who should do what? Of course the man should try hard to do most of the things required in the home. The woman should complement such activity. But there is a new development in society today. A group of women are emerging who earn more money than their men. In the traditional sense of husband-wife relationships this is an anomaly, but modern society that created this phenomenon has ways of addressing it. The fact that the woman earns more money does not mean she should lord it over the man. No matter what the woman’s economic prowess is like, someone has to lead the family; More often than not, that person is the man.
The issue of dominance is yet another cause of divorce. If a woman enters a relationship in which her partner is providing all her needs and those of the family and making all decisions then if that partner is domineering, abusive and verbally or even physically violent , the tendency is for the woman to use economic independence as a quest for freedom! So the men have to be careful not to maltreat a woman in any way.</strong>
But this is not to say that men do not appear on the receiving end of a partner who is domineering, abusive and verbally or physically violent. This unpalatable role is not the exclusive preserve of men. Women are gradually playing that role in many environments. To avoid divorce there has to be agreement and understanding. Moreover there has to be communication.
Communication is central to the marriage situation. A lot of couples either find it difficult to communicate or communicate wrongly! I have told my wife that once in a year we would review our relationship and have a critical talk about things that have happened that year. I ask her to assess me: How have a fared as a father, husband, provider, leader and lover? She tends to give me marks and asks for my candid opinion of her performance which I give without hesitation. If we can do this regularly without fighting or bitterness there is bound to be a better relationship the next year. Nobody should be in a relationship and be suffering. Neither should anyone be the loser in a marriage. Both members of the union should see the relationship as beneficial. If the situation remains that way overtime, divorce is out of the question. So is the excuse of incompatibility.
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